YOUR ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP: A direct reflection of the relationship you have with yourself

A lot of people ask me; what does a healthy romantic relationship look like?

That’s a really good question. Why do people ask me? I have a very healthy romantic relationship now. It wasn’t always like that. So, I have some contrast and the experience of what not to do. Where I’ve come has helped shape who I am today in my relationship with my husband.  I’m going to share with you a little bit of the journey what I learned on the way and some of the significant traits or key characteristics of what makes a relationship work and go from strength to strength.

Our external world is a direct reflection of our internal world; as above so below, as within so without.

Firstly, we need to realize that relationships are based on how we relate to ourselves and this is the biggest factor in what determines a healthy relationship with someone else outside of us. Our external world is a direct reflection of our internal world; as above so below, as within so without. This is an important hermetic principle. We know that the external world, the simulation, is here to show us what needs to be healed. What are the illusions that are keeping us in pain and suffering,  and what is actually real, i.e., love and unity? When we begin to experience a lot of flux in our lives, a lot of drama and chaos in our relationships with other people, we can be sure that that same thing is happening within us. There is a disconnect, a chaos, a fear or separation within us. There are fractures and shattered remnants of who we are that are needing to become whole again.

Why does my childhood matter?

The process of growing up from childhood to adulthood is usually wrought with much learning and growth, in terms of reintegrating those shattered parts of us so that we can become whole again. Of course, there’s many of us who don’t go through the process of seeking healing and wholeness, but I’m talking to those specifically who are interested in healing and wholeness and finding peace in this life on the spiritual journey. We know it’s vital that we work on healing the fragmented aspects of ourselves.

The way we view the world of relationships is absolutely directly linked to our first relationships in our life; those we had with our primary caregivers.

I talk a lot about early developmental trauma and how this shapes our view of the world. It is certainly no less important when it comes to relationships. The way we view the world of relationships is absolutely directly linked to our first relationships in our life; those we had with our primary caregivers. We were all exposed to a certain set of beliefs via our caregivers around how relationships can work. They demonstrate that to us in the way they relate to each other and to themselves. 

We should NEVER compare…

This also goes further into our culture; the media, our friendships, and work life. All of these kind of relationship dynamics affect us. They influence us as to what is the normal, what is considered the benchmark of a good relationship. We do tend to look out at the world and compare our relationship to others and decide whether ours is good, or healthy (or not). Ultimately, however, we cannot do this. We cannot compare our life experience to anyone else’s in this world and that’s because we only come from one angle of perception. No two people share that same lens. This lens is created when were little kids. Someone that you are admiring in their relationship might have had a completely different programming installed when they were kids because their parents perhaps had a wonderful relationship or had a terrible relationship or anything in between. 

I’m sure you’ve heard this before but we cannot change another person, we can only change ourselves.

The way we can ensure that we know we are heading in the right direction in healing our relationship is by looking at our relationship with ourselves. I’m sure you’ve heard this before but we cannot change another person, we can only change ourselves. If you’re struggling to find another person or you’re in a relationship that seems to be at odds at the moment the best thing you can do is only focus on changing yourself. This is the key.

Do you feel worthy of being? I’m not talking about doing here; what you produce, create, and achieve in this world. Do you feel worthy of just being alive, being here, taking space, breathing?

When we change ourselves and start to grow, heal and transform within, our outer world will follow suit. Our outer world is a direct reflection of our inner world as stated earlier. We must only focus within. How do we do that? Firstly, we need to remember that the foundation of a healthy experience and relationship is self-love, self-value, or if you like, self-worth. Do you feel worthy of being? I’m not talking about doing here; what you produce, create, and achieve in this world. Do you feel worthy of just being alive, being here, taking space, breathing? How do you feel about who you are just as you are?  The fundamental question that we need to ask ourselves when we’re struggling with relationships is: are we okay with who we are?

We cannot possibly judge ourselves as “bad” anymore…

Ultimately, we want to get to the place where we love and appreciate ourselves. Honestly, the best way we can do that is from a spiritual perspective. It’s knowing deep inside that you are a spark of the Creator; you are a child of the Divine. You have the essence of pure love making up your being. How can we judge ourselves as bad or unworthy if we truly believe this? We would essentially be judging Source because we share the same I AM presence.

So, if this is something that is a struggle for you then this is the first place you need to start. It really helps to understand our place in time and space and beyond. The fact that we are eternal multi-dimensional beings, that we go on forever and ever as pure love should be a determining factor. Right now, we’re having a human experience but that is not the end of it. We need to really get okay with this concept. What has helped me in my relationship with myself and my external relationships has been this very core foundation of understanding. 

After you’ve grasped this understanding and you know in your heart that you have every right to be taking up space and time here just being, then you, and your relationships, will start to transform.

Travel back a decade ago in my life and I didn’t have this core belief in my life. I was struggling on the surface of things. I identified with this body and with this mind. I thought that was all there was and so I created as many justifications as I could as to why I was worthy of being. But it all had to do with the simulation, the external world, what I could do for others and what I could be in the eyes of others. It very much ties up with the program of desire and approval to feel worthy. This is the starting point. After you’ve grasped this understanding and you know in your heart that you have every right to be taking up space and time here just being, then you, and your relationships, will start to transform.

Every action is a call for love

Everything you do in this life is a direct reflection of how much you love yourself and the Divine, the Source of all that is. Every action is a call for love. Whether you are kind to yourself or treat yourself badly is it call for love. So, if you are finding that you’re struggling with drama and chaos in your life, start to recognize that underneath that drama story that you are holding onto and identifying with, there is a call for love. You’re trying to get back to who you are; the essence of who you really are.

As we begin to surrender fully the external life; the career, health, relationships, hobbies, even basic survival needs, and all of your practices and rituals in your day, you will begin to feel a deep unity within and without.

It’s quite a difficult road when you identify with the external world to justify and validate who you are. We need to move away from this old paradigm – that way of thinking that who we are has anything to do with this physical world.  We start to drop the limiting narratives and stories of our worthiness when we begin to see we are moving into unity with the Divine. As we begin to surrender fully the external life; the career, health, relationships, hobbies, even basic survival needs, and all of your practices and rituals in your day, you will begin to feel a deep unity within and without. As you stop worrying with your small self (your set of programming filters) you start to really let go, allowing your burdens to be taken and transformed by the Divine. Our heart begins to soften and open again as we surrender all attachments, identities, and expectations. You will truly embody unity.

You must learn to embody the very essence of love

What is unity? Unity is the core essence of what love is. All is one. We can no longer judge something external as separate. We can no longer judge ourselves as bad. We begin to see that we are all pure loving awareness from the same Source. Once you start to understand this you will create that unity in a physical manifestation in your life. You will see an ease and flow which is simply Divine wisdom and intelligence working in your life. You’ll start to appreciate this process and this is where you’ll attract and transform your relationships. You will witness those around you change. They’re acting differently around you now and that’s because you are embodying the very essence of love and what unity really means. 

We are human magnets for similar frequencies in our life. Your relationships are a direct entrainment of the field that you already walk and live in. 

When we truly feel this peace in our hearts, we generate a massive field around us. Scientists have shown that this field can be measured several feet from the human body. This is the heart field.  We are affecting everyone around us when we spend time in the embodiment of love. How can you have bad relationships when you are walking around in this grace, ease and flow? You cannot. It doesn’t work the same way anymore. We are human magnets for similar frequencies in our life. Your relationships are a direct entrainment of the field that you already walk and live in.  Harmony starts to flow into our lives, often for the first time.

Like attracts like…

This is what happened to me. I had a lot of difficult relationships romantically in my life. I had very low self-worth. I didn’t understand who I really was. I couldn’t remember anything about that. And so, I was attracting people into my life who were at the same level. Like attracts like. I attracted people who judged me just the way I judged myself. I was highly self-critical. I didn’t like myself and what do we do when we criticize ourselves? We attract others who are highly critical of themselves and you as well! It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy. We end up in this cycle of pain, hurt, and drama and there’s no real love in a partnership like this.  It’s conditional; you have to do something or be something specific to satisfy the criteria of a narrow and limited view of what love is. That’s no way to be in a relationship. 

A truly healthy relationship is where the other person wants the best for you.

A truly healthy relationship is where the other person wants the best for you. They love you with all their heart – unconditionally. Yes, the same love that Source has for us, we can have for ourselves and for others. This is what a truly holistically healthy relationship looks like.  You are with someone that you want the best for and you are willing to surrender any identities or attachments or expectations you have around that person so that they are free to be the best they can become in this life experience. You give them space to evolve, change and transform as needed. You do not hinder or stop them from undertaking their personal quest. You fully support them to the point of being able to let go if needed. Now that is truly an unconditionally loving relationship.

Conditional love attracts conditional attachment

That’s scary for a lot of people because the majority of people don’t realize that they have such low self-value themselves. They’re highly self-critical and judgmental. When they meet someone, they want to grip onto them as tight as possible because this other person has unwillingly been given the role of justifying their self-worth. That’s what I did for a long time. I would have partners that were really only there to validate my own self-worth. I was giving away my power to some external force, another person to say, “Here, take my power so that I feel comforted that you’re sticking with me. It doesn’t matter much pain we both feel inside, or how much suffering we experience, as long as we falsely prop up our non-existent self-worth.”

This is truly the opposite of unconditional love. This is highly conditional and often leads to the narcissistic/co-dependent relationship (which I won’t go into). Sadly, this is very common. We really need to break away from this old paradigm of relationships that just do not work.

Really become completely besotted by the love that you have within.

You are really better off, in my opinion, starting down this path of real self-love as a single person for a while. Really become completely besotted by the love that you have within. One of the biggest commands if you like, of all of the ancient religious texts is to love the Divine with all your heart and to love your neighbour the same. This really is the key to a life in peace, joy and abundance in love and flow, ease and grace. So, heed those important words.

A healthy relationship will accelerate your personal growth at all levels…

What happens when you start to blossom in a relationship where you are both just wanting the best for each other?  When you are genuinely helping each other to be free and sovereign?  Helping each other in what each of you are wanting to evolve?  Giving each other space and the time as needed? What happens is that you accelerate in your personal growth. I spent a lot of time both single and in relationships that didn’t work. When I was single, I finally had the space to develop myself; my mental self, my emotional self, and most importantly, my spiritual self. I began to build a spiritual structure and integrate this into my life.

But it wasn’t until I met my husband, a healthy coupling, fully supporting each other, that I really started to accelerate. I believe that this is the benefit of a partnership. Otherwise, an unhealthy partnership can be fraught with trauma, suffering and pain. However, if you are ready to be healthy, meaning to love yourself fully and to love someone else just as much, then you will accelerate in your growth. Your mental, emotional, spiritual, and even physical growth transforms for the better because you’re always supporting each other the best way possible. That’s something to look forward to and something I can attest to. Life becomes easier and more beautiful when you have that person in your life to work alongside in collaboration. You will both find growth, healing and transformation.

Emotional intimacy is consciously feeling feelings…

Of course, you need to be open to be intimate too. A healthy romance requires intimacy. This is something that a lot of our western culture has ignored.  Intimacy is not just physical. I’m not talking about that. Essentially, I’m referring to emotional intimacy. This is one of the other keys to a successful relationship. What is emotional intimacy? Firstly, what it is not is what we experienced most of our lives starting from when we were children where we were taught it’s not appropriate to feel emotions – to feel strongly or to have certain “negative” emotions. We learned that it was not appropriate so our caregivers would shut us up, stop us, and shun us. We learned that it was not okay to have that kind of intimate emotional connection with another human being. It was not safe because we would be punished when we tried.  What does that do to us? Well, this approach creates a really good program that will run for our whole lives until we decide we don’t want it running anymore. We finally become conscious to this disempowering program, and this is what we need to do when we want to create a healthy relationship.

By consciously I mean that you’re aware of the feelings coming up. You’re identifying them. You’re validating them. You’re acknowledging them. You’re not just spewing them out.

You need to start to be conscious of how you have repressed all of those feelings in your life. You need to learn to allow the expression of those feelings in your relationship with your partner. Now obviously this is not just letting loose and vomiting up emotions on the other person. That would be irresponsible and selfish. I’m referring to the practice of consciously expressing your emotions. By consciously I mean that you’re aware of the feelings coming up. You’re identifying them. You’re validating them. You’re acknowledging them. You’re not just spewing them out. You are then calmly explaining what you’re feeling and how it’s something that you need to do. A healthy partner will validate that and acknowledge the importance of this expression.

Regular emotional expression keeps us healthy

It’s kind of like the importance of going to the bathroom to stay regular. We need to become regular with our emotions in order to move that energy successfully through our bodies to be released without resistance.  As we become healthier and heal, we have less of these disempowering emotions come up. We empty ourselves of trapped, blocked, repressed energy from layers of trauma. We start to allow feelings to just flow through us as energy before this energy becomes identified as a specific narrative.  That’s essentially why we become healthier and feel increasing inner peace, because we have less of these negative emotional narratives left. We learn that feelings are just energy moving through us. We move to the role of witness before a feeling connects with a story. We recognize an energy within us rising, then acknowledge it without attaching a narrative.

As we become more mature in our emotional growth, we start to realize that narratives are just old programs running, separate from the energy flowing through us. We can disassociate the program from the energy and recognize there is a difference. When programs and energy are wired together that’s when we express a lot of disempowering emotions and this affects everyone around us. So, it’s just a good side point to note that as we grow, we become more aware of emotions being energy in motion (e-motion) and we stop associating them with old stories. This, of course, is all to be shared in a healthy partnership.

You can absolutely have a beautiful relationship. But first you must start with yourself. It’s well worth it. We work on ourselves to become whole and healthy and you’ll naturally project that into the world and attract this field back in equal measurements.  I hope this has been helpful!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *